I have only sarcasm left in my quiver when talking about the screwed up political situation in the United States right now.
"Thank God major combat operations are over with."
"I'm glad we have Republicans in office. They may be greedy, but at least they know how to balance the nation's checkbook."
"How can you not trust the administration? These aren't the kind of men (and women) who act against the interest of the American people."
"I just thank my lucky stars every day that we have a government that respects the Constitution as much as this one does."
In other news, I am starting a new script. It's kind of like building a jet or an aircraft carrier. It takes a long time. Except that after I build it I have to take it apart and put it together again. So it's like building a jet or an aircraft carrier out of Lego Brand building blocks.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Friday, March 10, 2006
Pax Republicana
Just imagine everything you watch on the news blazoned with the motto: Pax Republicana.
Monday, March 6, 2006
Jack v. Chuck
- When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
- If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
- Jack Bauer did better than Zack Morris on his SATs... he got a 1503.
- Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
- If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
- Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
- Jack Bauer's calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
- Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
- Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
- Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
- If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's freakin beef.
- Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.
- 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
- Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
- Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
- Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
- When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
- Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
- If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.
- Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
- Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
- Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
- Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
- What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
- You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
- Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
- When you open a can of whoop-a**, Jack Bauer jumps out.
- Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says
something then you better do it.
- Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
- If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
- When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
- Jack Bauer does the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle in ink.
- Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're dead."
- Most children slept with a teddy bear and blanket when they were young, Jack Bauer did the same thing but with a real bear.
- Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
- Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
- In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
- When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
- In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What have you done with your life?
- Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
- Jack Bauer once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ball point pen. This lead to the phrase "The pen is mightier than the sword."
- Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.
- It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
- People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why there's no life on Mars.
- When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.
- Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
- Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
- If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
- If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
- Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
- Jack Bauer once bowled a 301.
- Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.
- Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
- Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.
- Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
-Vic Mackey suck Jacks balls.
- Jack Bauer played eighteen holes of golf. He scored a seventeen.
conclusion - Jack Bauer is the master
(Thanks Ben and all the folks at http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/ who got this out of China!)
- If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
- Jack Bauer did better than Zack Morris on his SATs... he got a 1503.
- Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
- If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
- Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
- Jack Bauer's calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
- Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
- Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
- Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
- If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's freakin beef.
- Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.
- 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
- Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
- Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
- Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
- When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.
- Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
- If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.
- Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
- Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
- Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
- Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
- What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
- You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
- Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
- When you open a can of whoop-a**, Jack Bauer jumps out.
- Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says
something then you better do it.
- Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
- If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
- When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
- Jack Bauer does the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle in ink.
- Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're dead."
- Most children slept with a teddy bear and blanket when they were young, Jack Bauer did the same thing but with a real bear.
- Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
- Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
- In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
- When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
- In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What have you done with your life?
- Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
- Jack Bauer once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ball point pen. This lead to the phrase "The pen is mightier than the sword."
- Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.
- It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
- People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
- Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why there's no life on Mars.
- When Jack Bauer watches a pot, it boils immediately.
- Jack Bauer once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
- Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
- If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
- If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
- Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
- Jack Bauer once bowled a 301.
- Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.
- Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
- Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.
- Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
-Vic Mackey suck Jacks balls.
- Jack Bauer played eighteen holes of golf. He scored a seventeen.
conclusion - Jack Bauer is the master
(Thanks Ben and all the folks at http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/ who got this out of China!)
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