Dumbass, if the Nazis had defeated England in the Battle of Britain we would have gone over there, kicked their asses, and the Brits would be speaking American. Jesus, what kind of pinkos read this stupid website?
I've been accused of being too nice, too kind. I need a good dose of petulance, a skill which you appear to have mastered. How did you learn this ancient craft of peevishness and are there any masters in my neighborhood? I'd tell you my neighborhood but, in your omniscient querulousness, you already know it.
1. Look at the picture, dimwit, I am a cat. So I am not a "person." Doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure that out. And what you call "homeless person [sic]scrounging alleyways for your next meal," I call freedom.
2. First, I got people to do that sh*t, and second I'm so fresh so clean like f*ckin' Outkast. Jezzuz.
Don't cancel it! I think it could work really well as an infrequent seasonal feature, maybe quarterly. Much like "Dancing With The 'Stars'". But you don't want to overexpose it, like they did with "Millionaire."
Internets, what was going through Fiona Apple's mind at the 1999 Academy Awards when she watched boyfriend Paul Thomas Anderson (Magnolia) lose the award for Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen to Alan Ball (American Beauty)? He looked so petulant, and I thought I saw a flicker of disgust cross her face even as she squeezed his hand. That moment has haunted me, Internets. Tell me. Tell me now. Please.
Look, dilettante, she was thinking, "coke goes better with victory." Doing lines after defeat just makes you feel like a junkie. Who cares about this shit?
Ooh, ooh I've got one! Internets, if the Nazis had defeated England in the Battle of Britain would we be speaking German today?
ReplyDeleteDumbass, if the Nazis had defeated England in the Battle of Britain we would have gone over there, kicked their asses, and the Brits would be speaking American. Jesus, what kind of pinkos read this stupid website?
ReplyDeleteI want to talk to my agent!
Well, I need to get one...
ReplyDeleteInternets, you don't have an agent...
ReplyDeleteDear Internets,
ReplyDeleteHow do you get your information?
Where do I get my information? What the hell kind of question is that? It's none of your G-d d-mned business, but I'll tell you anyway.
ReplyDeleteAll the knowledge of the universe comes through my brain. That's the secret of Internets. Really, I don't "get" my information. I already have it.
My real problem is rudeness. I don't know why I'm so rude.
Piss off!
Dear Internets,
ReplyDeleteThis is a two-part question.
1. Is it true you were once a homeless person scrounging alleyways for your next meal?
2. Is it true that you rarely bathe yourself?
Dear Internets,
ReplyDeleteI've been accused of being too nice, too kind. I need a good dose of petulance, a skill which you appear to have mastered. How did you learn this ancient craft of peevishness and are there any masters in my neighborhood? I'd tell you my neighborhood but, in your omniscient querulousness, you already know it.
Internets will take your questions in the order that they were asked.
ReplyDelete1. Look at the picture, dimwit, I am a cat. So I am not a "person." Doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure that out. And what you call "homeless person [sic]scrounging alleyways for your next meal," I call freedom.
ReplyDelete2. First, I got people to do that sh*t, and second I'm so fresh so clean like f*ckin' Outkast. Jezzuz.
Let me tell you, there's nothing to learn. Just act like you want to get in a fight.
ReplyDeleteAnd, b*tch... the people in your neighborhood are petulant, just not to your face.
Wake up!
Hi Guys,
ReplyDeleteLook, I'm sorry. Maybe we'll have to cancel this feature.
Don't cancel it! I think it could work really well as an infrequent seasonal feature, maybe quarterly. Much like "Dancing With The 'Stars'". But you don't want to overexpose it, like they did with "Millionaire."
ReplyDeleteInternets, what was going through Fiona Apple's mind at the 1999 Academy Awards when she watched boyfriend Paul Thomas Anderson (Magnolia) lose the award for Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen to Alan Ball (American Beauty)? He looked so petulant, and I thought I saw a flicker of disgust cross her face even as she squeezed his hand. That moment has haunted me, Internets. Tell me. Tell me now. Please.
ReplyDeleteLook, dilettante, she was thinking, "coke goes better with victory." Doing lines after defeat just makes you feel like a junkie. Who cares about this shit?
ReplyDeleteInternets, out.